A Certain Idiotic Reading Club
by Healthcare.gov
Summary: I just hope that you all understood what you were getting into. A bunch of idiots get together and read a series of books that we all know and love, and drool over nuns. Hijinks ensue, from futanari fist-fights to BL Doujin discussion and discourse, if these idiots haven't covered it in one of their shitfest arguments, no one has.
1. Chapter 1: Myths

**You brought this upon yourselves, I hope you know that.**

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In Academy City, there are many rumours, ranging from the superstitious to the most unimportant details that slip in between the lines on the online message boards where they are discussed. One such rumour is that everything in their world is being catalogued in a Light Novel series, which is why the supernatural can exist in the first place. Because it's all just a Light Novel series. Of course, there's no conclusive proof of this, even in a world of Espers, magic, and the like. There's simply nothing to go off of. So the rumours are simply glossed over by many in the community in favour of other, more feasible urban legends to latch onto and follow.

However, the legend isn't as farfetched as one would think, and it is in fact true. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Toaru Majutsu no Index is nothing but a Light Novel series, written by one Kamachi Kazuma. This truth is known to only a select few. Not even the supreme intellect behind Academy City, Aleister Crowley, knows of this. However, in a dark room, lays a stack of books, all about 240 some-odd pages long, and also occupying this room are several "readers" dressed in dark brown cloaks, experiencing this series again for yet another read-through. To the rest of the world, they are known as the "Re-readers", a bizarre cabal only consisting of a few members, in the same vein as New Light and other independent magician cells. However, they never take any jobs. They only emerge into the world to pick-up supplies before retreating back to their secret base, where only those allowed by a mysterious entity can enter.

So here they are, hunched around the sacred tomes as they take turns presenting excerpts from the text.

"...Lidvia suppressed laughter and continued speaking." One member read aloud, looking up briefly from his text to grab a half-full can of warm soda. Gulping the rest of it down, the man chucked the can into an ever-growing pile in the recycling bin in the far corner of the room before returning to the novel.

"Has it ever occurred to you that whenever Kamachi decides to name his Italian characters something, it sounds normal, but the moment he tries to name any other European you get the most hilarious shit ever? I mean, who has a name like 'Gorgouspalace?' I would never want my kid to be named that." Another pointed out, to the laughter of the other degenerates in the room.

"Platinumburg~." Another said in a mocking tone, to another round of laughter.

"But then we get to the nuns, who all have really normal names, like Lucia, and Angelene. It's honestly stupid how Kamachi names his characters." The first one pointed out. "And then we get to Orsola."

"Orsola~~." The rest of the room sighed in admiration. Yep, they're degenerates.

They admired everything about the nun, from her perfect proportions to her airheaded tendencies, and her beautiful visage. Her actions were scrutinized, her every detail was poured over with extreme care. They were pretty sure at least one of them had a body pillow of her. Of course, they would never tell.

"I want to meet Orsola…" One sighed in a manner befitting a 12-year old boy.

"I want to hug Orsola…" Another said breathily in a manner befitting a secret admirer.

"I want to bang Orsola…" A third said in a manner befitting a sex offender, much to the chagrin of the others. This was not the first time.

"I want Orsola to fuck me…" A fourth said in a manner that could not be explained through simple text.

"Dude, _what the fuck!_" The first one yelled and his compatriot who simply shrugged and smirked.

"We all know what she's packing underneath that habit. A weapon on the same calibre as the Imagine Breaker, Shichiten Shichitou, or the Railgun! Her legend-" The man's ranting was cut short by a hard right-hook thrown right into his face, Kamijou-style.

"Anyways, what were we on again? Stiyl and Agnese interrogating the Romans?" The first one said, smoothing out his dark brown reading cloak.

"Yeah, and then we got sidetracked…"

"Again…"

And so they continued to read.

Meanwhile, in a library in England, Orsola Aquinas threw her blueberry muffin across the room right into the face of her fellow Church member Sherry Cromwell, who sputtered in a mix of rage and confusion. At this point, Orsola felt white-hot rage flow through her veins like never before, killing intent flowing off of her and crashing onto the other people in the room like waves crash into the cliff sides, slowly eroding any form of stability they had.

Of course, the readers in the room felt none of this and continued with their day. But as they continued reading, they reached a state of confusion?

"Hey, what was our reading goal for today?" One asked. In this room, they had a goal that they would reach by the end of the session, and then the fellows would head home and go on with their normal lives.

"Wasn't it OT12?"

"No, you idiot! We're on OT14, you're still stuck on those damn Ice Boats!"

"You utttttteeeerrrr ffooooooolllllss!"

"Oh, you assholes are gonna get it…"

And so another argument started, ending with all of the members of this reading club on the ground covered in bruises.

"Dammit, who's the goal-setter today?" One griped as he picked himself up from the ground. "It was _him, _wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was _him._ He barely even shows up here anymore. And to think he's the guy who manages all of this. Slacker." Another shook his head in disapproval. "What a disappointment. To have all this authority, and not even think about using it. Truly the dreg of humanity."

Killing intent filled the room, as the door opened. It could only be one man. He was tall, over six feet, and spoke with a very pronounced accent.

"Hey, sorry guys, I forgot to set a goal todayyyyyyy… Can't we just talk this out?"

There was a single loud blasting sound, akin to that of a shotgun, and then there was silence.

Reading was concluded for the day, and after mailing a parcel bound for a morgue in India, the crew said their goodbyes and made their way back to their respective homes. That night, the various members of the Re-readers returned to the monotony of daily life, but every day, they knew that fun and degeneracy would await them. If they managed to actually get on track, that was, considering how much good artwork there is of Orsola. Oh yes, Orsola.

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**This is the dumbest shit I've written, and it's all your fault. You know who you are.**


	2. Chapter 2: The Poisoned Texts

**So we back in the mine.**

* * *

**12:47 AM - A Morgue near Delhi, India **

A mysterious package was left on the doorstep of the morgue. It was a regular-looking cardboard box, double-wrapped in duct-tape and stamped with a single ampersand. The nightguard on watch walked up to the package in question and took it inside to review the contents. Quickly slicing open the packaging, the guard peered inside to find…

"LARTE!" A tall, bloody man emerged from the parcel, eyes bloodshot, with a large wound in the middle of his chest, screaming bloody murder. Speaking of blood, the liquid was pooling inside the box and soaking through the bottom, creating an ever-growing puddle beneath the guard's feet. Being used to dealing with cadavers, the guard wasn't squeamish at the sight of blood. What did scare the living daylights (or nightlights in this case) out of him was the fact that said cadavers usually arrived at the morgue, you know, dead. So in a panic, the guard brought a small handgun to bear and shot the "corpse" several times. 6 times in the body, twice in the head. 6 hours later, the man would awaken once again with a shout and scared the nearby surgeons attempting to perform an autopsy on him. So in another panic, one of the surgeons stabbed the tall man in the neck with a scalpel. It was a long day at the morgue.

**Meanwhile - The Rereaders' Lair**

"YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!"

"GODDAMMIT!"

"OH JAH!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Another day in the lair. There was yet another argument, once again concerning the holiest of holy maidens, Orsola Aquinas. What was it about? Well her cup size, of course. You see it all started when one of them, wearing a red cloak, made an off-handed comment about how he would love to be smothered in Orsola's 'double-Ds' and that her 'dragons' were perfect. Of course, one of the others spoke up, screaming about how she was 'an E at the very least. I wouldn't be surprised if she was bigger!' Things escalated when another decided to back up 'Red' by pulling a stone shiv on 'E', and everything else went from there. Luckily no one suffered any major injuries, save for shattered pride, and things went back to how they were after a quick clean up.

"The One Above God? That is what I hear it is called."

"Hey, doesn't Kamijou translate into 'The One Above God' or something like that?"

"Yeah. I mean, the word for 'God' is in his name."

"Speaking of Kamijou…" Everyone's heads turned to face the source of the voice.

"Oh no…" The rest of the room sighed instantly.

"Hear me out! You know how Kamijou is our supposed 'protagonist' of this story, right?" This degenerate said. Emblazoned on his cloak was a Yagatarasu, the famed 3-legged raven. Raven feathers also decorated various parts of his cloak as well. There was also a patch of a pigeon somewhere on the article of clothing, but this particular rereader had that covered over, quite poorly, with a piece of cloth. The rest of the readers tentatively nodded.

"Then this poses the question…"

Silence.

"Why isn't there more hentai of him?"

Silence.

"I mean, look at him! He's the main character! Wouldn't it be fun to see him get it on with the rest of the guys?"

Silence.

"Personally, I'm more a Tsuchimikado guy myself, but I have to say I'm partial to Accelerator too! But we're also forgetting about Stiyl. And Aogami. And…"

Throughout the world, various members of the male gender felt sharp, stabbing pains directed at their masculinity. Some reacted violently, while others quietly sobbed, while one particular blue-haired felt a feeling of ecstasy fill him. Meanwhile, the air around the rereaders started to shriek as the aura in the air began to tighten. The blood roared in their ears as "Raven" continued his rant. It kept knocking. And knocking. And knocking. And pounding. And knocking. Let it in. Let it in. Let. It. In.

They couldn't take it anymore.

Rushing the ranting nutcase, "Red" proceeded to grab a machete from within his cloak and stab the offender several times, who despite the literal fountains of blood pouring from several gaping wounds continued to laugh in a last form of martyrdom. If he was to die, he would educate the world of the wonders of Touma x Tsuchimikado doujins! Needless to say, death came in the form of a powerful downward strike of Red's machete.

And the water went still.

Shaking the blood from his weapon and sheathing it, the group proceeded to pick up and drag the corpse into the corner of the room, leaving a messy trail of red along the floor. Sighing, one of the members, who wore a fashionable top hat instead of the usual garbs, merely snapped his fingers, and the blood and other viscera on the ground quickly disappeared. That's when Raven's corpse slumped down again, rearranging a pile of boxes next to him. The shifted objects revealed a hidden compartment dugout in the side of the wall. Out of curiosity, one of the degenerates padded over to the compartment. His cloak was very basic, except for a large eye sewn onto the area where his forehead would be. Wrinkling his nose at the dead body lying in the corner, before jamming a small knife in the space between the covering and the rest of the wall. Prying the portion of the wall out of the space, the rereader looked around before tensing up. He turned around slowly and walked off to the other side of the room while shaking his head. The poor guy had seen too much.

Stepping up to the challenge of revealing the truth, Red drew his machete once more and peered into the compartment. Reaching in and grabbing a half-open bag, what was revealed was a small brown sack containing several thin books, more along the lines of pamphlets. Reaching in, Red pulled one out to reveal… the half-naked body of Accelerator, Academy City's number 1 Esper. The air grew tense, so tense that you could practically reach out and take ahold of it. Suddenly, a yell emanated from the corner of the room, as Raven's corpse slowly forced itself to a standing position.

"**DON'T TOUCH THAT!" **He yelled as a wave of killing intent washed over the other occupants of the room. Black flames erupted from his back and various items nearby began to singe just from being in the same area as this demonic beast of BL doujinshis. Gripping his machete with trepidation, Red prepared to charge when a wave of dark energy impacted him in the chest, sending him flying into the wall. Raven positioned himself protectively over the pile of doujins, the black flame purposefully avoiding singeing the hallowed texts of the forbidden fruit.

Everyone in the room prepared for mortal combat.

**The Lair - 7 hours later…**

"I AM LARTE!" A tall, bloody, Indian man burst through the door.

"Hi, Larte." Came the reply from everyone else. They were all lying on the ground, bruised and bloody, except for Raven, who was crying over a little pile of ashes.

Larte shrugged. Just another day in the rereaders' lair. Sighing to himself, he settled down in a chair and grabbed a book with a large number "6" on it. It always came back to reading. It always did. And none of them would ever complain.

* * *

**I honestly didn't expect to write another chapter, but my… fanbase has been asking for another chapter. And another one. And another one. I'll put out a serious Raildex fic eventually, but that'll be in a bit. Once I finish NT9… **

**And just for context, yes this is inspired by real events. All of this is for the sake of humour and ****making fun of Anand. **

**I'm so sorry.**


	3. Chapter 3: The Pink Avatar

The Pink Avatar

Written by Maximus

"In the first place-" Before she could finish that thought, the wall exploded. Pieces of rubble and dust shot everywhere. She was thrown back from the shockwave and slammed into the sofa. It felt as if her spine had snapped in half and she groaned in pain. As she looked up, she started to tremble. Through the dust, a figure appeared standing in the new hole. But it was no normal figure. There was a ball-shaped body. (Oh no…) Pink skin. (What have I done) The pain she felt was instantly replaced by overwhelming terror. It was him. He had come. The figure waddled towards her with a knife in hand and all she could do was watch. Her body wouldn't move. He came up close with death in his eyes; however, he did not stab her. Into her ear, he whispered, "I warned you not to speak those words again. Part of me wants to do the stabby stabby, but that would be too knife of a death for you." Every cell in her body cried out for her to run, scream, do anything. But she knew there was no point. She was doomed the moment she uttered those words. (In the first place…) "I have a special punishment in store for you. Don't worry, I made sure to save a space for you," said the figure as he pulled his foot back. That was all it took to finally defeat her spirit. The monster released his foot and the room disappeared. The blast shot through the entire building and into the air. As the structure exploded out, a trail of orange fire could be seen in the sky where the evildoer had passed on her way to her final resting place. Satisfied, the figure standing in that devastated crater gave a nod, "My work here is done."


	4. Chapter 4: The Boy and the Bandage Girl

**The Rereaders' Lair - The Aftermath of the St. Germain Incident**

"...Alright, next is the Biohacker SS. Our goal for today is page 52. Let's do it." Larte announced, to the nodding of the various rereaders. In the aftermath of the incident concerning a certain member's yaoi doujin stash, not much degeneracy had occurred since then. The offending member in question had left for a distant land to spread his degeneracy further. However, this was of no consequence, as the team at the Rereaders Inc. were quiet chugging along.

"Both sides were approaching the third floor from above or below, so Kamijou Touma finally saw the small grim reaper. 'Huh?' This came as a surprise. It was a small girl of only about 130cm." Spoke one member, a fairly average-sized guy in a cloak adorned with hawk's feathers. "Heh, the Grim Reaper turns out to be a little girl."

"Well, who else would it be. This is Kamachi we're talking about." Another spoke up. His cloak was vastly different when compared to the others in the room. It was bright pink, but despite the bubblegum appearance, everyone knew his soul was black as the void.

"It could be a shota…" Spoke another. His cloak was fairly normal, the only decoration on its brown fabric being a decal that said "NT3 BAD."

"NO. We are NOT going on about little boys ANY GODDAMN MORE." The pink one said once more. "Besides, the last shota we got was hot garbage."

"Hey, it beats being a loli. Literally everything in Japan's a little girl." Came the reply.

"Even the cats and dogs are little girls in Japan." "Hawk" spoke once more.

"Yes." This time, a man in a tropical-themed cloak spoke. "Even weapons. The planets. Entire galaxies. It doesn't matter what they are, Japan turns them into lolis."

"Even the quarks." Added the man in the tophat.

"Hell, even Accelerator…"

_Oh no…_

"Hey, there's this…" They could only watch as an image materialized before them. A picture of a… shota Accelerator.

The group stared on in silence for a few moments before Hawk had the wise idea of opening his mouth to speak. "Just don't show Awaki."

"Don't worry. It's already been done." This time, another rereader spoke up. His cloak was bright white and was emblazoned with a large red cross, the universal symbol of healthcare.

"NO! NOOOO!" The entire group chorused. But it was too late. The man from HEALTH's mind had left his body as he searched the phantom realm for the writings he was searching for. This was a cursed realm, filled with the degeneracy of the reread times ten. '_Oh hey, English Kamachi - I mean Mr.? updated again.' _Nevertheless, the man from HEALTH pushed soldiered onwards. Soon, he found the story he was searching for. Written by the madman known only as "Kyon", he pulled the tome from its shelf and returned to the world he knew. In a simple text on the cover spine, the title was written. "A certain shotacon's dream."

"This… this is what has been dictated." He spoke. The entire crew gawped in awe before cracking open the pages. They were appalled at what they saw. Larte simply barked in laughter before grabbing a dagger from his cloak. In one deft move, he pinned the book to the wall.

"You all asked for this… so don't question this degeneracy that is wholly yours!" He boomed. The members of the reread wanted to object, but they knew better than to question the Lord of India himself. However, off to the side, they formulated a plan. They had to stop this. No matter what. They would delve into the realms… of fanfiction.

* * *

**GROUP's Hideout - Inside A Certain Shotacon's Dream**

"O-Onee-chan… You're warm…" Shota-Accel spoke in a delirious state. A state that would be broken in mere seconds.

"STOOOOOOOOPPPPPP!" From out of a six-winged fridge in the corner, Hawk, Pink, and the man in the razor-sharp hat emerged. Without another word, they pulled… LMGs from their cloaks what the fuck? No, nononononono wait! Don't point those at the author of this story! No wait! WAIT!

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